Abandon Hope?
by bluehazegrl
Summary: pg 15- one shot- Kel thinks of ending it, but decides against it poetry part of fic


**_Okay this is a one shot- it begins a bit dark. Kel is thinking of suicide. It turns out pretty happy though. Just a quickie_**

**_Disclaimer: tp owns Kel and her ppls_**

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This lie I live, I can live no more. I must leave our lonesome world. The time has come, the day is here, I must go on alone.

I cannot face the world today, I cannot live this life. Beyond the breaking point, I must escape from this strife.

Behind my mask I hide…I want to keep out the world. If they don't see who I truly am, they cannot judge who I truly am…I am protected by myself, for I know that I must not take their judgments to heart, because they are not judging the true me- but the me that I put out to the world.

I am me. But only I know myself. No one else can say who I am- they do not know.

No one has ever known the true me.

_I am alone  
Not in the way most are  
But I am alone  
Different from the rest_

_I can't help it  
It's part of who I am  
It just happens  
Because that's who I am_

_I cannot deny my past  
It is there and always will be  
But I can face life with a smile  
I can get over anything_

_But you cannot  
You are stuck on something  
You have no idea what life's really like  
You have never known anything_

_You cannot even relate  
There is no way you will ever know  
Life for you has been a crystal stair  
So don't laugh at me_

_You will never know all I've been through  
You will never understand  
And because of this, I am alone  
For they are all like you_

_They pretend to be my friends  
But cannot accept that I am different  
You're just like the rest of them  
So flee before I make you_

So I sit here writing my farewell- I used to say I would not give up. I used to say I was strong- but who am I fooling now. I look inside and know, I cannot go on. I need to leave this world.

_Sitting alone, I listen  
Praying for the pain to cease  
Facing the dark mark of sin  
I do ask for hope and peace_

_Wounds that I once thought were healed  
Now reopen every day  
Power that I once did wield  
Now keeps pushing me away_

No longer do I know who I am. I have lost myself. I have nothing left to hold onto. I am scared by this- but I cannot admit that.

_On a lonely hill I cry  
Wanting something to see me through  
I ask myself if I should die  
For nothing here is true_

_I sit upon this hill and think  
Its promise helps me see  
Just where I'll find that missing link  
How it will help me be_

_When I find it I shall know  
But not till then will I  
Yet I see that it will sow  
A field where I shall die_

I tried to bide my time- tried to wait for the outside blow, but it did not come. Nothing came to relieve me from this troubled world. How foolish I was to hope. I could not see my own folly.

_Running, I can hear it  
Hidden, still it will shout  
Away in the dark pit  
Waiting to be let out_

_The anger, unrestrained  
The tears flow freely now  
My lonesome heart is stained  
For broken is the bow_

_So hard, each day, I try  
I will suppress my fears  
Until the day I die  
Rivers from my tears_

_My faith is fading fast  
My life, a complex lie  
My dark, forbidden past  
My incentive to cry_

I cannot forget my past- I cannot deny the girl inside of me I've tried to hard to hide. But neither can I let that spirit out. I am caught- stuck in a world I've created myself- stuck in the pit between the truth and the lies. I cannot escape.

_my pain, deeply rooted  
my heart, a frozen land  
my voice, ever muted  
my eyes, dry grains of sand_

_pushed too far, I will break  
screaming to be let out  
tired of all things fake  
when ignored, I will shout_

_-_

_Encaged within this world of death  
I sit here waiting  
Drawing my last breath  
Until the final waking_

Can I stay here any longer? Stay here among the lies? With the manipulation? I cannot stay here, filled with this unending pain.

So I have made the decision- the one last thing I can control.

So why do I feel wrong? Why can I not accept my own choice. Why must I question what I have decided? How can it feel so wrong.

_It can only go up from here  
Starting at this hate filled day_

_There's nothing else I fear,  
Nothing more in life to pay_

_No more sorrow that I feel  
No more pain within my heart.  
Only now, what death can steal,  
Is that with which I'll part._

_I will turn to the gods and pray,  
Stick out my chin and move on  
In darkness I shall not stay  
I'll pray till the dread is gone_

_Grace is what I'll ask for,  
Precious hope from gods above  
Every day I will want more  
Rejoicing in my love_

How is it that what seemed so clear is now frightening? How can I be scared of what I'd been so sure in? I don't want to die.

_I hunt alone for my unknown destiny,  
what fortune will it bring,  
I hope not for the coming end,  
yet wish for life to sing_

_o blissful end,  
bleed me not,  
I seek forever,  
but find, I'll not_

I've realized- it's not just me. It's all of us. We are all part of the same. We are together, united, even when we don't want to be. We are part of the same body- we are of the same mind- we are all just trying to get through- get through one more day, one more trial, one more heartbreak, one more hurt. I can't die- I have to much to live for. I cannot abandon my fellow humans.

There are those who don't want to see this; those who want to hold onto my past. Those who cannot accept that I am me. They are the other side in our silent war-

_you spit in my face  
you turn your back  
you despise who I am_

_yet nothing can bring me down_

_I am part of a new race  
on a different track  
with the attitude "I can"_

_for nothing can bring me down_

_my past you do trace  
you find in it no lack  
of horrors of all I am_

_but nothing can bring me down_

_you have called me base  
delivered the sharp whack  
driven through my heart the ram_

_well, nothing can bring me down_

_I have newfound grace  
my life is back  
I can finally say, "**I AM"**_

_now Nothing can bring me down_

So I do not complete my farewell- I do not write my goodbyes. For I am here to stay; I'll prevail through all the lies. I will end what's wrong, do my best- hope for assistance and progress until our final rest.

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**please reviewplease**

**hope y'all enjoyed**


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